Epic Fail #1 - Apple Torte with Breadcrumb Hazelnut Crust

The first epic fail in our series will be the Apple Torte with Breadcrumb Hazelnut Crust. This was in the October 2010 edition of Bon Apetit, which featured several Italian recipes by Lidia Bastianich. I tried several with wonderful success; the last one was the definition of failure.

I'm sure this was user error, because really, how can you fail with a recipe from Lidia? I managed it, with varying degrees of hilarity as my father-in-law and husband watched me get redder and redder in the face, finally letting out a string of mild profanity (I'm allowed - the kids were in bed). They were nearly in tears from laughter by the end of the night, which culminated in my taking the torte from the 375 degree oven, burning my arm slightly, and immediately dropping the entire thing on the floor. At this point, however, I was SO over the entire thing that I was relieved I didn't have to eat it - it didn't smell so great coming out of the oven.

I didn't even bother cleaning it up. As punishment for laughing at me, I sent Husband in to do my dirty work and served Eggnog Custard instead.

My problem started with toasting the hazelnuts to get the skins off: I burned the first batch and had to throw them out and start again. Since Husband and father-in-law looked lacking for something to do, I stuck the (second batch of) hazelnuts in front of them and told them their sole mission in life at this time was to make the hazelnuts skinless. They *may* have been a martini or three into the evening, so the hazelnuts came back to me looking pitiful, with small bits of skin still on them that refused to come off even with a stiff brush.

So I left the remnant-skins on. I know, I know...

The next problem. The recipe called for 8 cups of breadcrumbs in the ingredient list in the beginning, but then said to use 3. I had Husband AND Father-In-Law read this recipe after I looked at it twice and could not account for the extra 5 cups.

These breadcrumbs are supposed to be processed with said stubborn hazelnuts and then mixed into a dough. I followed this recipe to a T and after attempting to knead and "form into a disc to chill", I pretty much gave up and figured it must firm up in the fridge and would be more work-able once it was chilled (like sugar cookie dough, perhaps).

I was sooooo wrong. The dough came out of the fridge looking just as pathetic and ooze-y as when I put it in there. The instruction "press into bottom and sides of a tart pan with a removable bottom" just about caused me to lose my religion. I'm pretty sure I called an inanimate object all sorts of names, and thought of different ways I could throw the entire thing out the window/against a wall/at my laughing Husband.

But I pressed on; I managed to get something resembling a "dough" (and I use the term extremely loosely here) mostly on the bottom and sides of the pan. I poured my sliced, cooked apples into the pan. THEN came the big fun: trying to put the top layer of the "dough" over the apples. No one can say I didn't try: but this "dough" was mocking me, testing my every bit of patience, and seemed bent on breaking me. When I couldn't get the dough to "lay" on the top - not to be beaten by some breadcrumbs and a few nuts - I just decided to glob it on there like a cobbler topping and see what happened.

What I put in the oven was, without a doubt, one of the ugliest dishes I've ever seen. I wanted to apologize to Oven for offending it so, and this is not my favorite oven. (We've had some words about the temperature gauge that Oven seems to think is more of a "suggestion.") I hoped that baking would improve its appearance.

Apparently, there was no saving this. It came out of the oven smelling like a horrible, overcooked wheat roll. I then somehow managed to touch the side of the 375 degree tart pan with my forearm and dumped the entire thing on the floor.

I don't think I've seen Husband laugh that hard in a long time, and he didn't even stop when I shoved a roll of paper towels in his hands, blessed out my kitchen in general, and stalked away.